so it happened again... twice!
I don't even know what to say at this point it's kinda funny to be honest...
Also i DID get rejected for the con again hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Which is to say, I kinda give up on getting money for my art in any way ppl deem conventional (ha) anymore, freak commissions it is
in other news yes i'm still depressed but I've also been studying japanese for about 2 months? I can't really speak it in any meaningful way and my ability to recognize katakana still has a lot to be desired, BUT I can definitely see tinyyy bits becoming understood by me. It's been a blast learning about the language as I have, mostly cuz I get to watch kids shows I'd already be watching, but also because of how personal and complex the written and spoken language is! It's kind of embaressing to want to learn Japanese to be honest, all my friends (and girlfriend) make stupid weeb jokes at me which makes me wanna quit to be honest. I should probably say something but it feels embaressing to admit it upsets me. Same with getting called a larper recently for... making fanart of watamote? idk it's like i can't do anything without scrutiny at this point lmao so why even bother
In other news I've decided to put more of my energy into my manga, been having to do studies of trains which is.. not the funnest thing in the world but it is really interesting learning about trains. I still can't decide on what ages I want Marley and Leo to be, it's hard to decide on. Because most of the media I was is with preschool age kids but it would make more sense for them to be middle school age kids.. maybe in their second year? i don't know hmm
It's been fun drawing them although I should probably make an actual character sheet for them all since I can be kinda inconsistent with that stuff.
at this point i think the best act i can do for my mental health is literally just uninstalling discord, only using it again to reply to commission clients, blocking everyone, only using twitter, tiktok, and instagram to post and then leave, and then spending all day every day only watching shows, reading manga, drawing, or watching youtube. Human interaction just isn't for me when I'm in this mental state. Everyone fucking sucks. I'm just a vice for people to get their fix whatever it may be, whether it's to feel less lonely, to get sexual gratification of whatever kind, or just to have a wall to scream at. I'm not a person to these people anymore, I'm a tool, a device, a means to an end. And you know what? That's fine, I don't care at this point as long as it lets me feel something. And i think I actually hate myself like not this faux idea of what self hatred is but just a genuine dislike for everything in the world that led me to be who I am today. I am a product of misery and pain and it's all I ever feel I'll bring to this earth.
Woah sorry about all that negativity, anyways the new watamote chapter was peak. I'm curious if the end of this volume will be the last, I kinda think it is with all the extreme jokes we've been having haha. Going out with a bang and such. But only time will tell whats going on in those guys's minds...
Thank you for reading this txt file! I hope I wasn't too much of a downer today, and as always... :3